The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hots close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to really hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell them because we owe them at least that much.
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At some point, maybe we accept the dream has come a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But the stronger of us, the most determined of us, holds on to the dream or we fine ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life, the dream is being able to dream at all. Feeling used But I’m Still missing you And I can’t See the end of this Just wanna feel your kiss Against my lips And now all this time Is passing by But I still can’t seem to tell you why It hurts me every time I see you Realize how much I need you I hate you I love you I hate that I love you Don’t want to, but I can’t put Nobody else above you I hate you I love you I hate that I want you You want her, you need her And I’ll never be her I miss you when I can’t sleep Or right after coffee Or right when I can’t eat I miss you in my front seat Still got sand in my sweaters From nights we don’t remember Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you Friends can break your heart too, and I’m always tired but never of you If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit I type a text but then I nevermind that shit I got these feelings but you never mind that shit Oh oh, keep it on the low You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know If u wanted me you would just say so And if I were you, I would never let me go I don’t mean no harm I just miss you on my arm Wedding bells were just alarms Caution tape around my heart You ever wonder what we could have been? You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings When love and trust are gone I guess this is moving on Everyone I do right does me wrong So every lonely night, I sing this song I hate you I love you I hate that I love you Don’t want to, but I can’t put Nobody else above you I hate you I love you I hate that I want you You want her, you need her And I’ll never be her All alone I watch you watch her Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen You don’t care you never did You don’t give a damn about me Yeah all alone I watch you watch her She’s the only thing you’ve ever seen How is it you never notice That you are slowly killing me I hate you I love you I hate that I love you Don’t want to, but I can’t put Nobody else above you I hate you I love you I hate that I want you You want her, you need her And I’ll never be her Dang it has been forever sense I've been on here. A lot has happened sense the last time I wrote to you guys. I'm not going to explain everything but I will talk about some.
It has been hard for me to accept some things that has happened in my life. I've tried to move on and make things better; some times holding on is the best thing to do, and some times letting go is the best thing to do. For me right now, I don't know what to do. I have asked people and tried to get their opinion, but still can't seem to get my decision made. Others say this and others say that, but when it comes down to it, it is easier said then done. And the amount of your emotions and actions can get involved and effect so much. Just be smart and be sure on what you want to do. Because whatever you do can effect the rest of your life. One thing I don't understand right now is the fact of how some people treat each other. I know I have had my fair share of being mean and treating people terrible, but I regretted it and did whatever I could to apologize for it. I know that I can't judge people too much because I did hurt some people by being mean, but I have never treated people the same way they treat others, treat me, friends, or just a random stranger. I don't understand. Bulling... that is what you are doing! You are just making people feel like shit and tearing them down. You know you wouldn't like it if someone did the same to you! If you never want to be treated in the same way, then why are you doing it to others? Do you not realize that someone is being bullied ever 7 minutes? Do you not realize from your actions that at least 4,400 people commit suicide every year? I don't understand that. I worked at restaurant and many types of people would come in there. Many were disabled, mentally changed, old, young, tall, short, rich, poor, and some people would come in and you could think that nothing was wrong with them, but behind the curtain is another story! So never judge anyone by their cover either! By making a rude gesture or by telling someone something mean, no one should ever be put down for who they are and/or what they believe in. It shouldn't matter if they did something to you before hand; no one desires pay back for it. I am still sorry for what I have done to the people that I have hurt before. Till this day I still say sorry for the thing I have done, and try my best to show them I'm better than that. But now is your step! Stop bullying and putting people down. It is uncalled for. Love one another! Thank you guys for reading my blog! I will try my best to get back to blogging again. Miss you guys! "Stay Amazing! Stay Beautiful!" -Evan Barnes Love you all!! :) Hello Everyone,
I'm sorry I've been gone for sometime. A lot has been going on in my daily life. Honestly just too much to explain. I hope all of you are well. Smiling is the best policy; it can help you out in so many ways. Stay positive as well. Everyone goes through hard times; some go through worst others, but we are all here to help and support each other. Our world is coming to a era where everyone doesn't care, don't put in effort for things, and just put people down for who they are. For my person experience, I have been admitted into a hospital about a year ago because I tried to take my life. My fellow classmates would bullied me, beat me up, and call me names. Some people say, "Just get over it" or "Suck it up" well I'm sorry that you might be able to deal with some stuff, but everyone is different, but no one should have to go to their school, work, or public and get judged for who they are or get bullied because the bully felt that they deserved it. I don't know who you are if you bully people. Because what does it solve by bullying people? Putting them in an unstable environment, making them scared, making them think no one cares, putting them in the hospital, or even trying to kill themselves. What does that solve? Before you say or do anything, maybe you should stop and think, what if they were doing this to me? What if this? What if that? If you don't think it is a good idea after thinking about them questions, then maybe you shouldn't do it. Just remember everyone is kinda the same. They are trying to live there life as well. They are trying to be who they want to be. Why take that away from them? In conclusion, think before you do something, because it could put you or someone else in a unstable environment. Thank you for reading my blog everyone. If you are going through a rough moment or have gone through something terrible and you would like to share it, please message me your story and I will be willing to post it on here and I will WON'T put your name on it if you don't want me to. If you need to talk about anything or need help, I'm here for you! Just message me on contact. I hurt you really bad, I know. I regret every single bit of it with all of my heart. I wish I could just go back in time and fix everything. You mean so much to me. It is going to be nearly impossible for me to move on. You make me smile, laugh, happy...etc. I'm trying to fix all this because you deserve happiness! So if leaving is the only way you get that is without me: I understand. You have always been there for me, through thick and thin! You treated me better than anyone ever has. I want to be the one that gives happiness to you though! I know you don't love me.. But if you ever grow that back, I will be here waiting for you!! I know, I shouldn't wait, but that is how much you do mean to me. I do love you so very much! You will see that sooner or later!
Here is a poem I wrote for you.. Please read it.. I don't know how to do it, But I have to do right. I need to say I'm sorry, I don't want to see us fight. I'm staring at the clouds, I sit and reminisce. I remember all the good times we had, I remember our first kiss. I don't want to have to end it, I don't want to see it go free. I want to be able to feel your lips, Not just in my dreams. Although I constantly dream of you, It just doesn't seem enough. I want to see you face, I want to feel your touch. I want you in my bed, Hugging and kissing me. I want you in my bed, Making love to me. I miss all the times we've shared, And I can't stand to let it go Over something that I did. I really went down low. I shared a kiss with someone else When I should only be kissing you, And right after I did that I felt I wasn't true, When his lips were touching mine. I could only see your face Running through my mind. But out of everything I did the most, The real reason why I cried, Instead of being honest I sat there and I lied. Damn, I want to turn back time And just tell you what went down. I wouldn't be writing this, I wouldn't have this frown. You'd be able to trust me, You wouldn't want to leave. I would be able to hold a smile, I'd be able to breathe. Because I did that one thing, My life is just a mess. Because I lied to you, I'm suffering from stress, I'm suffering from a broken heart Because I broke yours, But then karma came and turned on me, I wish I wouldn't have lied to you, I want to make it work. I want to be your only one, I don't want to have to search. Search for a different man, 'Cause I only want you But when I close my eyes, And I open and you're not there, A tear runs down my face. I can't act like I don't care, And I hope you come back And forgive me for what I've done. Give me another chance, Give me this last one. Je t'aime (I love you) Hello there.. I'm Evan. My life was perfect till I ruined it. I loved this guy so much. He loved me and we were just perfect together! I remember when him and I first Skype. Damn, he looked so amazing and beautiful, well he always does! Anyways that was the first time I ever talked to him besides over texting. I suddenly fell in love with him and I told him that I want to meet in person and get to know each other more and maybe date later in the future. He was totally on board with it! I was scared and very nervous! I didn't know what to do. When I first saw him, he was on his phone texting me and standing there waiting to finally see me. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see each other at the same time, but it was still perfect! We had a great time hanging out even though both of us was very nervous! At the end of our meet, Him and I made it official! We were dating! :)
I remember when him and I went to Homecoming together. I was nervous as hell! As long as he was beside me, I felt amazing! That night, I wasn't feeling well, but that didn't stop us either! Him and I went on the dance floor and started to dance. The came the slow song... we slow danced. I remember looking into his beautiful and I mean beautiful eyes. I knew there, he was perfect! I wanted to be with him forever!! He leaned down a little and kissed me while we danced. With the kids around us probably thought ew them gays are kissing. We didn't care at all! We imagined it was just us there. The night was perfect!! One day, he was very upset. He was about to cry. I pulled myself up to him and hugged him. I picked him up and put him in my lap. It felt like I was holding him like a baby, but I didn't care, I was there for him. I cradled him in my arms, while I rocked him back and forth and told him that I loved him so much and that everything was going to be alright! I knew that his mind was set on his thoughts, but I still wanted to be there and hold him and tell him everything is going to work out! We spend a wonderful but stressful few months. November came and things started to get worst for us. We broke up... We were still friends and wanted to work things out and get back together! Honestly I though he was never going to come back. December 31, 2015 Him and I was going to get back together. We were waiting for the ball to drop... unfortunately we didn't get back together. I told him I wanted to make it official the next time we meet up. So a week later, I went over to his house to spend time with him, my stupid self still didn't feel like it was the right time.. so I told him I need more time. He was okay with it even though he really wanted me back that weekend. I'm not going to give full details but here we go... We struggled and argued and everything for a while, we were planning to see each other and make February 14th the last day we talk ever because I wasn't ready quite yet and he couldn't be friends with someone that he loves very much. Well I went to his house February 12th. That weekend I would never forget... I hurt him emotionally! I never meant to! I loved him so much! He means the world to me! That Saturday all the questions and answers and truths came out. I hurt him! And I couldn't take that back... I really did love him! I wanted to make things right! I lied to him, I was selfish at first. He poured his heart out to me, and I ended up hurting it really bad! That Sunday that were going to stop talking to each other, was going to end up being the day I asked him out and get him back forever! Now, I'm stuck!! He is hurt! My friends are hurt! Some things I can't take back... I really wish I could though! If there was a way to take all this back and do the right thing... I would do it as fast as I can! I love him, I want to be with him. But now I can't.. Everyone I know I lied and I know I hurt him really bad, I shouldn't have a chance with him ever again. But this is not the real Evan. The real Evan won't hurt anyone, he loves everyone and wants to make things right!! I need help. I probably will never get him back, but as God once said, "NEVER GIVE UP". A saying out there too, "FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU LOVE". And I love this guy so much. I hurt him really bad. I want to show him that I do care! That I do love him! I NEED to show him that I can be a better person than this! It is going to take forever for me to fix this, but I'm not going to give up! I love this guy so much, I would jump in front of a thousand bullets to keep him alive. That means a lot! If you are reading this... I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!! I AM GOING TO DO WHATEVER I CAN TO FIX THIS! TO PROVE TO YOU I'M BETTER THAN THIS!!! (Some details about this story isn't said, but that doesn't matter. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! And I want to show him that I care and love him with all my heart!!!) It has been a rough moment for me... I lost some people that meant the world to me! They were there when I was down and help me up through everything! I was stupid and ignorant! I was selfish as well! I am going to be getting rid of my social medias soon. They have ruined my life... So the only thing I will have is my blog and my phone number... So for everyone out there, I'm sorry if you talk to me over social media.. But the last day. Will be on FB or any social media will be the February 20. But I won't be getting on till that day to delete everything. So goodbye everyone!! I will talk to you over my blog or the phone. Once again thank you for the people that have been there for me recently! I LOVE YOU!!!
(To Be Continued)
Do you think there should be a bullying law that prevents people from hurting/harassing/bullying anyone? Give me your opinion. Comment below and tell me what you think of a bullying law that you would like to have.
After a few nights being there, it was scary to me, no roommate to talk with or nothing. It was just I and a pencil and paper. I started to hear and see things throughout my room and the hospital. It was like cold shudder trickles down my spine. I kept glancing around so nervously, I saw somber portraits staring at me from behind layers of dust, even though there wasn’t anything a pond the walls, just white. It was cold, desistant light streams in through a crack through the window. As you walk forward, you can’t help, but feel that someone is following me, whirling around, I see nothing, but the empty hallways. ‘Turn back’ they seem to say in my ear as if they were right beside me. I swallow a nervous whimper and continue with writing on the paper and pencil that was given to me.
Why do I call him? Why does he answer?
Why does he call me? Why do I answer? I'm so frustrated when we talk. I don't know what to say to him or anyone anymore. I feel like I'm going to say something that could ruin everything. I don't want to mess everything up! I am so upset and just depressed, I don't know what to do anymore. It's getting to the point that I don't know why I fight! Why I even try to talk to him, when in the end probably nothing good will come out of it? When he calls... Why do I answer? I know I don't want to hurt anyone's feels, but right now I feel like everyone is ripping out my insides and throwing them on the ground and stomping on them! Why do I keep/deal with the pain? Because I don't want to hurt anyone and I've messed up with my life, and I don't want others have to go through what I have! For all I know, he could be talking behind my back, when I text or call him, he regrets answering the text or the call! So if he truly feels that... Then why doesn't he tell me? I've messed up, I know but still! I just want to wake up one morning and feel good about everything!!! Why can't I get that? Why can't I be fucking normal? Why? I want to be able to talk to him/her/them/those (everyone) and at the end of out conversation I don't want to cry or scream!! Jackson 5
huh huh huhhh Let me tell ya now Uh-huh (Mmhhmmm) When I had you to myself, I didn't want you around Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd But someone picked you from the bunch, one glance was all it took Now it's much too late for me to take a second look Oh baby, give me one more chance (To show you that I love you) Won't you please let me back in your heart Oh darlin', I was blind to let you go (Let you go, baby) But now since I see you in his arms (I want you back) Yes I do now (I want you back) Ooh ooh baby (I want you back) Yeah yeah yeah yeah (I want you back) Na na na na Trying to live without your love is one long sleepless night Let me show you, girl, that I know wrong from right Every street you walk on, I leave tear stains on the ground Following the girl I didn't even want around Let me tell ya now Oh baby, all I need is one more chance (To show you that I love you) Won't you please let me back in your heart Oh darlin', I was blind to let you go (Let you go, baby) But now since I see you in his arms All I want... All I need... All I want! All I need! Oh, just one more chance To show you that I love you Baby baby baby baby baby baby! (I want you back) Forget what happened then (I want you back) And let me live again! Oh baby, I was blind to let you go But now since I see you in his arms (I want you back) Spare me of this cause (I want you back) Give me back what I lost! Oh baby, I need one more chance, hah I tell you that I love you Baby, oh! Baby, oh! Baby, oh! I want you back! I want you back! [Fade out] To: JC I love you!! I miss you at night as I gaze upon the stars
I miss you during the day as clouds cover my sun I miss you and want to hold you in my arms I miss you so much, my dear, I feel no more fun. I miss your smile, your joy, your lips I wish you would be here, my loneliness grips. My mind is traveling to far places seeking your beauty My heart beating faster and faster with your memory My being fading its joy, my eyes all teary. My days are going by so slowly, oh so slowly This painful longing penetrates my heart deeply My soul cries out for you more and more strongly. You are my dear love, my life, my everything Yearning the day to be together once more For that day to be here now I'd give anything Don't ever leave me again, sweetie, you I implore. To: JC Nobody ever knows Nobody ever sees I left my soul, Back then, no I'm too weak Most nights I pray for you to come home Praying to the lord Praying for my soul Now please don't go Most nights I hardly sleep when I'm alone Now please don't go, oh no I think of you whenever I'm alone So please don't go... Watch the video to listen to the rest. You and I,
We're like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky. With you, I'm alive Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide. So stop time right here in the moonlight, Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes. Without you, I feel broke. Like I'm half of a whole. Without you, I've got no hand to hold. Without you, I feel torn. Like a sail in a storm. Without you, I'm just a sad song. I'm just a sad song. With you I fall. It's like I'm leaving all my past in silhouettes up on the wall. With you I'm a beautiful mess. It's like we're standing hand in hand with all our fears up on the edge. So stop time right here in the moonlight, Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes. Without you, I feel broke. Like I'm half of a whole. Without you, I've got no hand to hold. Without you, I feel torn. Like a sail in a storm. Without you, I'm just a sad song. You're the perfect melody, The only harmony I wanna hear. You're my favorite part of me, With you standing next to me, I've got nothing to fear. Without you, I feel broke. Like I'm half of a whole. Without you, I've got no hand to hold. Without you, I feel torn. Like a sail in a storm. Without you, I'm just a sad song. Without you, I feel broke. Like I'm half of a whole. Without you, I've got no hand to hold. Without you, I feel torn. Like a sail in a storm. Without you, I'm just a sad song. I'm just a sad song. To: JC I love you so much!! How do I feel about you? Am I able to trust you? Do you even care if I am in your life or not? Question... they always run my mind. I wish they will just run out of my head, but the thoughts and questions are still here. We all have thoughts that will run through our heads, but these thoughts are killing my insides. Do I keep going? Do I just say done and fail? Are you going to tell me the truth? You promised, does that matter to you? Again, thoughts and questions run through my head.
Leave me be.
I can't stand this any longer. Two sides of me. Outside is an act, Outside is a calm spring evening. But inside is a war. Inside is a summer thunderstorm. Inside I am fighting with myself. A part of me is writing and singing. Trying to make peace. A part of me is imagining violence. Trying to lash out. A part of me is crying and wailing. For what never could be, And always will be. Inside is chaos and discord. Inside in starting to give up. Two sides of me. Which do you see? You came into my life,
unexpectedly. You came into my life, and I felt free. With you, I learned what happiness is. You have showed me I haven't seen, You made me feel something I haven't felt. Everything around me is in a blur, And the only clear is you. You taught me how to smile, You taught me how to laugh, You taught me everything I haven't learned In my entire life. You made me fall in love, You made me fall really hard. It was such a wonderful feeling, Except that you didn't loved me back. You made me feel love, But you never let me feel how to be love I miss you
I miss the hours we would spend talking, being open and honest and free I miss how my heart would breath a sigh of relief because you brought me peace I miss the feeling of hope and happiness and how with you I always felt content I miss you I miss the hours I would spend lying by your side tracing the lines upon your skin I miss the way you held me close enough to hear your heartbeat, I wish I could hear it again I miss you I miss you every minute of everyday it’s an ache, a sadness, an emptiness that doesn’t ever go away I miss you The darkness surrounds me
It's getting so cold I'm all alone With no one to hold My world is so empty All what's left is pain No sunshine to light my way Just never ending rain I drown in tears My heart is crying No one seems to notice My soul is dying |
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Author of the HeavenAuthor:
Evan (me). I am the Author of this Heaven. I write about events, feelings, my photography, and well everything that happens in my life here. I hope you enjoy my writing. Any question or anything please message me on the contact page. Archives
February 2018
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